Today I was pulled over by a cop. He asked me “have I been drinking?” I replied “Are you buying??” Then we laughed and laughed some more. PLEASE SEND BAIL MONEY!!
Have you ever wondered what a beauty pagent contestant thinks of gravity being taught in school? Well you are about to find out in this horribly edited video. The message still comes through.
Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter, and the lager.
The IRS sent my tax return back! Again.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: “List all dependents.” I replied-“12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployable people on food stamps; 2 million people in over 243 prisons and 535 fools in the US House and Senate.”
Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
Fire investigators in Maui, Hawaii, USA, have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month: a short circuit in the homeowner’s newly installed fire prevention alarm system.
‘This is even worse than last year,’ said the distraught homeowner, ‘when someone broke in and stole my new security system.’
Twas the night before chrismas and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin’, chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn’t too merry,
Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.
He’d been cheatin’ on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.
From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin’ them texts.
Despite all his cryin’ and beggin’ and pleadin’,
Tiger’s wife went investin’ — a new home in Sweden.
And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
“If you’re gettin’ laid then I’m gettin’ paid.”
She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.