Today I was pulled over by a cop. He asked me “have I been drinking?” I replied “Are you buying??” Then we laughed and laughed some more. PLEASE SEND BAIL MONEY!!

Have you ever wondered what a beauty pagent contestant thinks of gravity being taught in school? Well you are about to find out in this horribly edited video. The message still comes through.

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Our lager,
Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter, and the lager.

Barmen

National republican convention ruined by giant uterus.

The IRS sent my tax return back! Again.

I guess it was because of my response to the question: “List all dependents.” I replied-“12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million unemployable people on food stamps; 2 million people in over 243 prisons and 535 fools in the US House and Senate.”

Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.